Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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