My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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