i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
