There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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