my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Randomize