Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
