She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
