I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Randomize
