I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Randomize
