I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Randomize
