Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
