my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
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