he told me I talked like a deaf person
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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