Barsexuality is the new black.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Im part way to drunk.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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