the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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