My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Randomize
