That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
