Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Randomize
