im six kinds of drunk right now
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
