Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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