note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
