I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
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