dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
