i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
