I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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