you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
