By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
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