Your mouth is God's brothel.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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