Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
