maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
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I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
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I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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