I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
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