Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
