Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
