so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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