my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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