My cat gives me a boner
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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