Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
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He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
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True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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