I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
