I will die if light touches me.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
