it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Randomize
