Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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