I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
