i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
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every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
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Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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