Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
