Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
