i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
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