cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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