have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Randomize
