Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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