alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
