it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
