Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
You may now shotgun with the bride
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
